When it comes to friendships i have been blessed to find some amazing women and men that have truly had my back and loved on me through all my mess! But i have also had some periods throughout my life that my friends became few and far between.
Friendships dissolve for different reason and sometimes it can be a peaceful breakaway and other times it can be terrible! I have experienced how nasty a parting of ways can be and i am also seeing how maturity can bring about a softer blow.
The more i grow in Jesus the more i am doing heart checks (check out my post before this) and beginning to realize it isn’t always someone else’s fault. I am not
ALWAYS THE VICTIM!
As college ended and after college i held onto being the victim for a long time. I was so hurt and i was so mad. BUT it was partially my fault. It wasn’t just the other party doing something to me. It was very much so both of us being childish or just mean to one another. I look back on those days and i constantly ask God why things happened as they did... but I am realizing without those instances i would never learn how to remove myself from playing victim in every situation. I know that those instances have brought me to this point of accepting and admitting.
I am realizing that sometimes i start the argument. I created the rumor. I told the lie. I played the middle. I made communication be nonexistent. I was the problem— not the victim.
As I’ve matured i have learned the power of simply accepting that i was toxic and apologizing for being that person. Making time to not necessarily rekindle that friendship BUT squash whatever beef there was or just move on.
Although most of my friendship issues happened about 10 years ago they still weighed heavy on me because i played a huge part in creating them.
I’m not saying all this because it’s the cool thing... because who wants to truly admit that they caused a potentially good friendship to end. I am saying this because it’s TRUTH!
Y’all, IT IS NOT ALWAYS EVERYONE ELSE! Everyone else is not always bad.
Until the toxicity is removed from your spirit then your mindset will continuously go back to pointing the finger.
This might be hard to admit right off but remove yourself from always being the victim. It has taken me 10 years but it is so freeing.
Admit your wrongs and live your life without holding onto these things that are holding you back.
Until Nothing’s Left...
As i step back and look at the fact that this is the third year anniversary of my blog i began to think of where i was when God put this blog on my heart. I was on fire for Jesus just coming back from my first Pinky Promise Conference. My heart had been made new. I was a different Brittany.
I know God gave me this blog with the intentions of me spilling my heart to you all! He wanted me to REpresent Him and tell the world how although i struggle i still rely on him and live for him and his glory. Is it easy? Nope! I mean when i think about the many times i have questioned God and doubted him and downright rejected him I’m surprised He still loves me. Me and my family have endured some tough times but God has STILL shown how faithful he is through it all.
3 years and I’m still walking this RELATIONSHIP with Christ thing out. I just went to my 3rd Pinky Promise conference and I went in with GREAT expectation. And God showed out. God kept putting something in my heart the whole time i was there... my heart posture.
My heart has gone from open and soft to stone cold hard. I have experienced all the stages of heart ache and mending over the past 3 years and some time before that as well. I’m not talking about the break ups from my boyfriends or the friendships that dissolved. I’m talking about the feelings of completely feeling looked over. Feeling misused. Feeling forgotten. (I know break ups of any kind can be mentally and emotionally traumatizing— I’m not insensitive to that because I’m married and have a very good friend group.)I am talking about walking upright, trying to be just, loving and caring and still feeling like I’m losing.
I experienced different situations that left me feeling like “forget all this”. Im sure you have been there as well. I would always wonder why is this going like this or that? Am i not a good enough person to not get this or that?
In recent months God has been revealing something to me about my heart and the posture in which it is in. He told me that i thought everything was about me. I was devastated to get this revelation because the nature of my work is focused on caring for others... literally going all day without peeing to care for others and their families. Then i thought about how i try to help my family. I try making things easier for them. I was just shocked. Like God seriously how is this the case? Well it was made a little clearer to me at the conference. Since i have been back home i have been able to actually see what he meant.
As i said, I went to this conference in TOTAL expectation. Totally expecting God to move and break my heart for the things that break his. For Him to do for me the same thing he did for the children of Israel on Ezekiel 36— but specifically in verse 26 “And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” I needed that. I wanted and desired that. So one day during quiet time as i studied “worship” God brought it to my attention to look up the word worship... because he knew i thought that it was the same thing as praise. I also know he had me look it up because i don’t TRULY worship him. I mean i pray and thank him and raise my hands. I CRY during songs, i get in my feelings about certain ways he has been good to me. But guess what... these are all actions that typically involve some sort of emotions. He wanted me to see that when the emotions leave so does my true heart for him... so does my desire to let him be sovereign .
“Worship is releasing control and letting God FULLY reign.”
It isn’t just about thanking him for EVERY great thing he is doing and has done. But understanding that it’s not EVER about me it’s always about him. So no matter how much i do—Every action i take, every thought to help someone, every nice gesture...all these things that give me the “feels” should still be done even after the feels are gone. Even when it hurts. Even when I’m mad. Worship is not about how I’m feeling it’s acknowledging that God is sovereign.
After I studied that it began to soak in my heart what God was trying to get me to understand and what i want you to understand. He revealed to me that i relish too much in praise, but not praising him. Wanting to receive praise from outsiders when i have done something that i deem praiseworthy. Wanting a pat on the back or a hand clap... thinking it’s going to keep me going. BUT IT ISNT. He keeps me going. And once the dust settles and people have moved on from the “attaboys” then is motive still the same— are my motives to do good from the heart or are they drenched in feelings and getting the next thumbs up.
What is my heart’s posture? What is your heart’s posture?
Hey you might not even struggle with this, but if you do, check your heart! This isn’t about you or what you are doing. It’s ALWAYS about Him.
In my case i was saying things were for God’s glory but my heart was hardened and I really wasn’t interested in glorifying Him...or maybe i was just enough for me to show y’all... BUT it was really all about me. (Hey I’m just being real... i mean i struggle, y’all)
I’m glad God checked me!
Now i can’t say that i have arrived but i can say that i am more aware and i want to be more cognizant. No, i cannot say my actions are void of emotions because that would be a lie. What i can say is my emotions are not the driving force behind my actions. Don’t let yours be either.
Don’t let the way you live your life and posture your heart be contingent on “attaboys”...
Until Nothing’s Left,
Check out Ezekiel 36!
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.