Not too Soon...
It's been awhile now... Almost 5 months to be exact. I have thought about a lot of things to write but, I have not put pen to paper. I don't know if it is because I have been overwhelmed or just plain lazy but, either way it's been too long. Last time I posted it was my blog anniversary and I talked about how you all would hear from me more and that I wouldn't slack on my posting. Well obviously that hasn't been true and I want to sincerely apologize for my absence.
If you don't follow me on social media then I would like to announce to you all that my husband and I are expecting our first bundle of joy due to arrive in March. We are both very excited and very nervous. Before we found out we were pregnant I had just undergone surgery and I was nearing the end of my recovery when we saw that plus sign pop up as clear as ever. I was immediately overwhelmed with feelings of joy and anxiety. My mind went to 100 in a matter of seconds. After I went through the excitement of telling our parents, siblings and close friends I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed with anxiety and to my surprise I was instantly depressed. Initially I brushed it off to hormones and said it would get better... I mean seriously I had literally prayed for this child for so long and God had FINALLY answered my prayers and I was depressed. I thought "Brittany, You have got to get it together."
So I told myself that I was fine and that I would blog and kind of document my pregnancy, but I didn't. Don't get me wrong I wanted to, but I couldn't. Like I said before part of it was laziness and some was just being exhausted, but it was a certain point in time when I wanted to write and I felt God telling me to wait. Then confusion set in. I mean I felt the urge to write but nothing would come. I knew that was God's way of telling me to hold up. So I waited and waited. I would think about what God wanted me to wait on every now and then and one day, very randomly, God reminded of a sermon I listened to as soon as I found out I was pregnant. In the sermon the minister said "Don't be so quick to tell your story". Now what he was talking about in the sermon was totally different from what was going on in my mind during this pregnancy but suddenly it all made sense to me. I knew why God kept telling me to wait. When this was revealed to me about a month ago I could have written this blog then but that's where laziness kicked in. I was lazy and just stubborn. So now I'm done being both and I am finally here to tell you all what God was telling me during the beginning of this season.
I was depressed ya'll. I mean DEPRESSED. To the point where it concerned me and some of my family members and friends. I didn't want to do anything but sleep. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I had to force myself to do things. I was snappy and mean. And I know hormones make our bodies go crazy, but the extent to which I was went beyond hormones and it startled me. I would cry and ask God why was I going through this. I wanted this, to be pregnant, so bad and now I can't even enjoy it. I can't enjoy the fact that God answered my prayers, that he was SOOOO faithful to me, that he trusted me enough to carry a child. I didn't want to celebrate any of this. It hurt so bad. It made me so upset constantly. I was in a constant state of fear of losing my child and being depressed cause I was expecting a child. It was so sad. At first I prayed a lot, but then I stopped praying and I stopped reading my bible and I stopped relying on God. I was lost. I was scared and confused.
This lasted my whole first trimester. THREE long months. The time where I really feel like you need to rely on God. Then September rolled around. It was prayer month at my church and each Saturday in the month we focused on different things to pray about and this Saturday in particular we focused on different aspects of the family. Well instead of just praying for mothers in general we prayed for expectant mothers, mother figures and biological mothers and it just so happened I was the only mother-to-be in the crowd. At the moment that I began to pray aloud things began to change. I was asked to pray for not only expectant mothers but my pregnancy in particular and at this VERY moment I became so vulnerable. I literally said all that I had been feeling. It was not a pretty prayer but it was necessary. It was all of my feelings put out on the table. I prayed about my depression and how upset I was that I was not overjoyed. I prayed about EVERYTHING. And when I got done I felt light. The feeling was absolutely amazing. It was then I saw how God had a VERY special way of healing me even in the midst of my reluctance to ask him for healing.
I suddenly began to realize why God was telling me to wait. Why he stopped me from writing so many lofty post about "how beautiful pregnancy is" and "how happy I am"... Don't get me wrong pregnancy is beautiful and absolutely amazing and I am NOW overjoyed but at the moment I wanted to write this months ago I would have just been lying. And when we lie the devil gets the credit, never God. God wanted the GLORY. He deserves the glory. It's that simple. It's nothing that I could have said a few months ago that would have completely glorified God. I would have talked about me, me, me... blah, blah, blah. He had me wait because I needed to tell the FULL story. The story about how I was very depressed but how HE BROUGHT me out. The story about how HE answered my prayers, but it took me being completely down and out to realize He was the only one who could sustain this pregnancy and it wasn't anything I could do. NO amount of fear could take it away and no amount of happiness could keep it. It was and is still ALL about HIM.
This entire pregnancy so far (and we are about half way through, crazy) I have been hearing, John 10:10-- The thief (being the devil) comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. At first it didn't click as to why I kept hearing this verse. BUT NOW it is very clear to me that the devil had my mind. All my depressive thoughts and lack of joy was the devil's way of steering me away from God. It was the enemy's way of making me think all of this was my doing and God had no hand in it. Only for me to realize that God's hand was the ONLY hand that was in it. He is the giver of life and the sustainer of it. It is that simple.
Through this time I have GROWN a lot. Though I have STRUGGLED the outcome has been growth. I have learned to only rely on God. No app or google post could give me as much reassurance as God has. His urge for me to wait allowed me to see a complete healing of my mind. I am able to understand why he is SO miraculous and meticulous. He is nothing short of AMAZING.
Oh, and by the way a scripture that has been keeping me sustained during this time is -- Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
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