Never the Same.

I prayed and prayed. "God, What should I write?" I only want to write whats for You and Your glory. And God tells me... "Tell them how I have changed your life". "Wow! God that's vast, but I trust you". So in the shortest way possible here it is. 

I had been struggling for months. Anxiety had overtaken my life. I was already an anxious person to begin with, but it was at an all time high because my husband had just began his job as a Fireman. My mind would go to everywhere, but to God. I was trying to control everything. I needed constant contact with everyone. It not only wore me out, but everyone else too. After one huge incident I remember my Daddy stopping me and saying "Brittany, where is your faith?" It hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought..." what do you mean I do have faith... Don't I?" That was the moment I started to realize something had to change or I would drive myself or somebody else crazy.

I truly needed God more now than ever before.  During this time George and I got engaged and my life took a turn for the best, but not in the way I was thinking.

George and I were riding in the car and I came across a radio station named K-love. A contemporary Christian station that I had no clue would change my midnset completely. I would listen in the mornings going to work. I noticed one morning I was not cursing everyone on the road out like usual. I had such peace it was crazy. The songs on the station would always speak of focusing on Jesus and not the things of this world. They constantly weighed in my spirit.

During our engagement things changed between George and I. PREMARITAL SEX became nonexistent. Although our engagement was only five months it was still Tough to say the least BUT it was necessary. My heart wasn't caught up in those emotions. I was focused elsewhere and elsewhere was with Jesus. I yearned for Jesus daily. Something that was never the case before. It felt good. It was refreshing. I was not just developing into George's wife. I was becoming God's daughter. It was amazing.

Let me be VERY CLEAR the test were coming in daily! God wasn't letting me get to this "new me" without some struggle. But even through the constant struggle His faithfulness never wavered but mine did.

One big test of my faith was when George was trying to pass his EMT exam. See the thing with the fire department here is you have to be an EMT  basic as well. You get 6 chances to pass or you get FIRED! FIRED absolutely not! Umm.. sir we need to pass this test. So I start NAGGING BIG TIME! Please study, please focus, nag, nag, nag... It was ridculous. We got to December. Right after we had just signed a lease on a place  (that HE lived in without me, lol) and George had to go on UNPAID administrative leave. And there goes my anxiety. I prayed but I never left this at His feet. I tried to handle it. The bills were coming in and we only had my income. I stressed. One day in particular we were talking about something that needed to be paid and the money just wasn't there and low and behold I get home and my dad hands me an envelop. I look for a second and open it and in it was a card and a $125 check. I instatntly broke into tears and texted George. I started thinking We dont get married for another 20 somethng days why would someone send a gift so early and the only thing I could think was "oh ye' of little faith"... I knew then that worrying was doing nothing for our situation. Shortly after that George had to take his test for EMT... the SIXTH  and final test. He drove about an hour away to sit for the test because that was the only place offering it before the date that he was suppose to get fired. We prayed. He went. He came back. We waited.  We start making other work plans. Until... George got the email.  It said CONGRATULATIONS! That's all we needed. GOD IS FAITHFUL!

In five months I had become a new person. I became someone I had never met before. It was completely renewing. I was a wife but not just any wife a "godly wife"... well at least that's what I thought.

"Yeah right", was what resounded in my head when we got back from our honemoon. Brittany, you really think that's it. You spend five months trying to perfect yourself for your husband and get to the point where YOU are happy and think that's it. You really think you are done with Me? 

He wasn't done. I was far from done. That's when one of my friend's get the big idea to go to the Pinky Promise Conference. Oh, yes! I mean I love Heather Lindsey she's awesome. Leading up to the conference I was growing, but I hit a dry spot. A spiritual desert. Nothing was popping. I was just blah. The only excitement I would get was when  we talked about the conference. As the time grew nearer we counted down. We were so excited. The time arrived and excitement was overwhelming. My thoughts were that I would be renewed and things would change. Little did I know my life would NEVER be the same. And I know that sounds so cliche but seriously things were different. 

I never realized  how unfaithful I was to Christ until I got to that conference. I had been cheating on Him. Using Him. I was disgusted with me. And to think I had it all together. Please! I was completely broken. I apologized to God repeatidly. I cried for Him to fill me up UNTIL NOTHING'S LEFT in me but Him. It was truly life changing. I surrendered all! I mean ALL. I could no longer live the life I had been living. I had to change. I had runaway from my Father and it was time to come back. It was time to truly CHANGE! I had to stop taking wash ups and truly wash myelf clean in His blood.
 
So now my purpose is clear. In this short time period I have realized what I have to do. DIE TO SELF DAILY... LIVE THROUGH JESUS. Is it easy? Nope. Didn't think it would be. Is it what needed to happen? YESSSS! All I want to do now is let my BIG LIGHT SHINE!  You know what's amazing is you don't need a certain start date or an amazing conference to truly fall in love or back in love with Jesus. Try it today and TRUST ME... YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

Brittany