I couldn't let another month go by of letting my feelings run me.
I was tired of crying. I was sick of fussing at God. I would tell Him "I wasn't going to read his word and I was done trying to live for Him." I wasn't happy BUT more than anything I could not find an ounce of joy anywhere in my life. I told myself I wouldn't put out another blog, I mean why should I? Who reads them anyway? Does anyone get blessed by them? I FELT as if my efforts had been futile. I FELT like I was being punished. I FELT like God had truly left me out to dry. AND THAT WAS THE PROBLEM. I FELT too much! My feelings were consuming every drop of my being. I was in a rut. I was over perusing Christ. I was DONE.
This was my Life from January to the beginning of April. In a rut is pretty much an understatement. I was just plain old angry. Could you tell? Nope. I would go to church and feel convicted and cry and pray and apologize to God. Encourage my friends. Write encouraging messages on social media. I was cool on the outside but a wreck on the inside. I didn't want to think about "God's plan for me" or "the character he was building in me." None of that phased me. I had become so controlled by my feelings. I wasn't able to truly love God without thinking about how disgusted I was with him, then I would get upset at myself for being upset with God. It was a vicious cycle of submitting to my feelings over and over and a constant state of anger.
This all changed on Saturday, April 9th around 10pm. As I stood in our room folding clothes and watching YouTube I heard God say "turn that off and talk to me". I hesitated and thought when was the last time I really talked to God. I mean, yeah, I pray every now and again but not like I should BUT to truly talk to him, it had been too long. So I turned off my iPad and I reluctantly asked God to clear my heart and open me up to things I needed to hear.
God definitely let me have it. The first thing I heard was "Brittany, why don't you trust me?" In my haste and anger I responded (as I always do) with a "God I do trust you but I don't see what it's doing for me." After that quick exchange of words the flood gates were opened. I immediately felt a rush of feelings go through me and God didn't hold back. I got the best ear full I could ever get. He said "Brittany, look at you, you are a wreck all because you won't release control. You don't trust me. Your idea of trust is telling me what you want and expecting me to give it to you when you want it. You trust me when you can see things happening but not when there is a wait. You get angry with me when you don't see things coming to pass in your time. You don't even reflect on how I have already given you so much. Your desire to be a nurse was fulfilled even after you played around in the beginning of nursing school. Your desire to have a husband was fulfilled and you don't even appreciate him like you should. I have kept you during so many situations. I have protected you over the years. I gave you a love like no other and held you when you sat in your room at UNA crying because you were friendless and felt so used by men. After you cried and cried for days because you didn't get your first job at UAB I made it possible for a job you never applied for to hire you. And you still don't trust me! So, Brittany I will ask you again why don't you trust me? I hesitated to answer, I was completely overwhelmed and then I said it "BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN US A BABY." Saying those words aloud wrecked me. Saying those words did something to me that I never thought they would do. They released me. See, even though I know God is all knowing I still tiptoed around the subject in my prayers and in my thoughts. I talked about it to others but never fully went to God with it. It was like I truly poured my heart to him and accepted that He is in control just in voicing those words.
( I will try and write a blog explaining how God communicates with me because this might seem weird but he has always spoken to me through my thoughts, it's kind of like I just become very vulnerable and he just pours in... But if he doesn't speak to you like this nothing is wrong he can come in many different ways: Dreams, songs, other people, life experiences, his word, prayer and many other ways)
After God gave me that earful he gave me Proverbs 3:5, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. I taped this scripture to my mirror and I try and live by it daily. Yes, I know it has only been 14 days but hey if you only knew how I use to break down daily, you would be proud of me too.
I am no longer angry. I have stopped neglecting God. I am no longer leaning to my own understanding. I am trusting Him.
If you are in a rut, angry, hurt, discouraged or whatever, trust him.
God placed a few things on my heart to help you all come out of a rut or to steer clear of falling into one. +Make Him a daily priority (read your word, PRAY, worship Him, dwell in his presence)
+Speak His promises over your life (read your word and look at the positive things God wants for you
Psalm 37:4, Matthew 6:21, Psalm 20:4)
+Talk to Him more than everyone else
+Remember He brought you through before, He is the same God, He WILL do it again.
+Stop relying on google and social media to answer your questions and turn to Him.
+Pray for spiritual maturity to cope with God's will being done.
+Find peace and contentment with your current portion.
Hope this helped. I pray you can allow God to grant you peace in whatever is weighing on you. I am praying for spiritual renewing and refreshing for each one of you . I love you all.
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.