*long, candid blog post*
I use to ask myself often... do you really believe? Do you trust God in the times of despair as you would in times of greater? I remember really understanding what Romans 8:28 says {"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”} And thinking I was strong enough in Christ to think it would remain relevant to me in every season. Well I thought I believed this verse... until I realized I hadn't had real troubles. That was until January 22, 2017. {A day I pray that God never lets me forget. I need it as a reminder--- that God was still blessing me when I had no faith in Him. He was loving me when I had so much anger in my heart. } A lot of people know on this date that I was admitted into the hospital with preeclampsia. Up until this very day I had not had any problems in my pregnancy. I was absolutely floored when they told me I would have to stay until the delivered me at 37 weeks... I was 33 weeks at that time--- that meant 4 weeks in the hospital. I would not be able to go home. I would not be able to work. I couldn't make my husband his lunch for work. I had to DEPEND on people. I would not be able to make my family baby shower... I just had to be in the hospital. I was use to being the one who takes care of people... now the shoe was on the other foot. My emotions were all over the place. I was scared, angry, confused--- a whole lot of negative emotions had overtaken me. I was like "for real God!" I wallowed in self pity and depression from that day on... even though people came and saw me and loved on me. My friends drove long distances to see me. I had TWO baby showers. My husband spent everyday in that hospital room with me. My parents showed me the true definition of parenting. I received BY FAR the best care! Great nurses and doctors! No matter all that amazing stuff I was still angry--- not outwardly (all the time) but definitely inwardly. This was not an attitude I was use to towards God. In 2015 I had pretty much fallen back in love with Jesus and was living for Him pretty hard core (hence the origins of this blog)--- well all that was halted. The only thing I can really say stopped this was letting the enemy just get his foot in the door of my heart. Well that was all he needed. He took over around August of 2016... I initially wrote it off to hormones but it wasn't just that. He manifested himself through fear and negativity. I remember during this time I was reminded of Ephesians 6:12 “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” I was not fighting physically. My mind and my heart was constantly under attack. Being in the hospital heightened these attacks and further decreased my faith. On February 15th, things got kicked up a notch. I ran into my doctor on my way to the cafe and she turned me around and said she needed to talk to me and George. My heart instantly sank. She sat us down and said it was some stuff she didn't like on my ultrasound, my baby wasn't being nourished by my placenta anymore and he needed to come out today. I cried and cried. For multiple reasons because I blamed myself and because my baby was in true danger. I only had one week left until 37 weeks... but there was no more waiting . The rest of that day went by like a whirl wind. Labor was induced, things were happening and I honestly don't remember one time I stopped and prayed. People prayed around me but not me personally. Before I was admitted into the hospital I had labor and delivery all planned in my head. A nicely packed bag, worship music to make a peaceful atmosphere, oh and let's not forget a NATURAL delivery. None of that happened. Although things were peaceful everything was still so rushed and they sped up when my babies heart rate dropped with each contraction. That didn't happen but a few times before the doctor wasn't having that anymore and told me I would be having a c- section. I was instantly relieved and petrified! I was prepped and taken back. George suited up ready to come watch his son be born. They put up the sterile curtain and started to test the effectiveness of my epidural only for us to realize it had not worked. I immediately had a panic attack. I was put to sleep and the next thing I remember is them calling my name to wake me up In recovery. As my faculties started to return all I remember is asking how my baby was and not getting a response. I asked again and the nurses simply said that he was fine. (Not mean just matter- of-fact) Now being a nurse I know that panic can cause a increase in blood pressure and heart rate and pain so i understand they were looking out me MY well being at that moment. I wasn't mad at them. Just concerned. And even when I wasn't thinking about praying or asking God to reassure me he sent me an angel through my friend, who is a nurse, to check on me and tell me that she had seen my baby! The only thing I could muster up to say was "is he normal" and she quickly reassured me that he was normal and that he was perfect, just tiny! Shortly after my husband came back to be with me and they took me to see our perfect 3lb 12oz baby boy. The first thing I said when I saw him was "he's not on oxygen". The nurse said "no he breathes perfectly". I was instantly reminded of the betamethasone (steroids) shots they gave me to help his lungs develop when I first went to the ER... once again God was looking out for us even in my state of anger. Until I was discharged I was back and forth between my room and his room. The hardest thing to do was be separated from him like that. Through my ignornance and anger God still protected my baby. He allowed him to have the mindset of a BIG BOY even though he was tiny. I watched him lose weight and gain it back, learn to take the bottle, move from an incubator to an open crib and eventually hear them tell me that he could go home! During that week of our hospital stay i barely prayed. I was faithless. I would say cliche things but at that time nothing was personal. I was numb. I remember hearing Hillsong Live sing "Desert Song" when I first got pregnant and although I enjoyed it then. I was not in a place of despair where I needed to hear it for encouragement. I listen to it now and it has a new meaning to me. God knew I would need that song now and he allowed me to hear it when I had no clue that anything like this would ever happen. As I sing the chorus "all of my life, in every season, you are still God and I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship." Those words keep reminding me. God is still amazing inspite of and he is working everything for my good. My baby is home now. I never knew the kind of love he pulls out of me. He is one month old. He is healthy. I am healthy. And even though we are blessed tremendously. I still cry, a lot! I think I'm inadequate. I don't see myself as worthy or as a good mom. I get sad. I still struggle with depression. This is real life. This is something I am working through. With the help of my husband, my parents, my family and close friends and most importantly God. They constantly remind me of positive attributes. This time has been hard, scary, rewarding, renewing, hopeful, discouraging... I could go on and on. Things do not just become perfect. I have not jumped into constant praise mode. I have not began praying all the time. I don't read my bible everyday. I don't listen to sermons all the time. This adjustment is taking some time. God is still healing my heart. He is working everything out for the good! I wrote this long blog because not enough women discuss the struggles of becoming a mom. Although it's amazing it is not always easy and happy. It can be a struggle. Take it from me it can just be down right hard. Don't let the enemy still your joy actually do something I didn't do... “Count it all joy, my brothers, (mommies or mommies to be) when you meet trials of various kinds. (James 1:2) Brittany ❤ (writing this blog has enriched my faith tremendously- just going back through all that happened and how God protected Me and Solomon I can't help but be so overwhelmed with pure joy and gratefulness)
6 Comments
revdocdra
3/18/2017 11:38:40 am
Britt,
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Cherie
3/18/2017 11:58:14 am
I am so glad you and baby are ok. So glad!!! 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
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Morgan
3/18/2017 01:26:05 pm
Britt!! Thank you for being vulnerable!! You make walking out in faith REAL! That's what it's about! The learning and growing day in and day out! I love you cuz! You are an AMAZING mother created in God's image!!! 🤗
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Ma
3/18/2017 03:36:38 pm
Bubba, my God! You've left all of you on the pages of this blog. My God! This is so real. You've stripped yourself! Keep sharing, the good and the difficult times, but never give up on God. Never let your responses to life's happenings make God regret His blessings to you. I love you; you get the reward for new mommy of the year, SOLLY TOLD ME THAT!
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Danielle
3/19/2017 05:19:54 pm
WOW !! I really don't know what to say. I AM AMAZED !! Simply great !
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Daphne
3/19/2017 09:19:40 pm
BRITTANY! I'm sooo proud of you. You know this. God will definitely get the glory for this. I literally can not wait for you to complain to me how 13yr old Solomon eats an entire pizza. I'll be like remember when you were freakin out cause he wants drinking that milk. Lol now that I think about it...he probably wanted fries 🤔😂. Love you both so much. 🙌🏾
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